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The beginner's mini sports survival guide for March Madness.

It's March Madness peeps, not NCAA College Basketball but the sports on SkyTV in Aotearoa version.  Here is what I’ll be looking forward to this month.

by Cam Schuster  I     01 March 2023

Let's go NZ Breakers who will face top-seed Sydney Kings in a best-of-five finals game series.  Let's Go Tommy Turbo whom everyone is sleeping on right now, watch him do his Mark Telea impression on the new-look (but same old) Bulldogs this weekend.  Let's go Miami Heat and Portland Trailblazers who will change gears for the business end of the NBA season.  Let's go Black Caps, after that thrilling test win against the Pommies, they will play more cricket against Sri Lanka.  Let’s go Manu Samoa as they embark on the Vancouver and Hong Kong leg of the World Rugby Sevens Series.  Let’s go Mark Telea who smoked the Highlander defense last week and will be doing the same to opponents through this month.  Welcome back to the winter sports catalog, even though it's still summer but feels like winter thanks to Gabrielle.  Madness!


I forgot to mention heavier peak hour traffic in Auckland from the University rush, and also Mandalorian Season 3 begins this week adding to the hectic schedule.  With all this going on, how the hell are we supposed to watch all this sport plus Din Djarin and Grogu traveling to Mandalore while keeping the Mrs happy and maintaining household responsibilities?  Well, just so happens I have some tips that will help you get through a weekend of sports unscathed and out of the dog house.  Welcome to the Beginner’s Mini Sports Survival Guide for March Madness.  (mini because I only thought of 3 tips as I am writing this article, although I’m positive there will be more in the future)  let's go…..

TIP NUMBER 1: Foundation is the key

Great foundations are solid and for you as a sports fanatic, the love for teams you support is a part of you, like your big toe.  If your partner doesn't share the same solidarity, you got to put in the work my friend.  Ensure that your woman understands where the passion for your one-eyed fandom comes from.   Share the origin story of why your team has a piece of your heart.  Take her through the ups and downs you endured over the years, and get her invested in your team.  Buy matching team jerseys, make it a date night to see a live game, explain the rules, talk about the players and coaches, and bring her into the tribe.  You’ll know you’re winning when she starts to read the lineups each week.  However, if your woman is already a sports fanatic then congratulations but, if you and your better half support opposing sides, for example, State of Origin, then there are important dos and don'ts you must adhere  (refer to tip number 3) 

TIP NUMBER 2: Know your device

Get used to watching or listening to games on your phone.  Make sure you have enough data, battery life, and the right radio streaming site on standby when the Mrs needs you to run errands while the game is on.  Avoid conflict at all costs, when she asks, reply softly with "as you wish" exactly like Westly from The Princess Bride, then quickly jump in your vehicle, sync Bluetooth to your phone, and stream the game while you drive out to buy bread and milk.  Likewise, if you're at an event while the game is on, the phone is your savior for when you’re away from your couch and big screen.  

TIP NUMBER 3: Be a sore loser, except to your wife

If you’re lucky to have a partner who is a fanatical sports fan like yourself, then ignore tips 1 and 2 above.  If in fact, she supports a team you have an utter putrid hatred for ie: State of Origin NSW vs Queensland  then here are some definite do’s and dont’s

Don’t - rub it in her face for more than you should if the result goes your way.  A good 2-3 minutes of celebrations after the final whistle or buzzer is a reasonable amount of time.  Anything more than 3 minutes then expect no ass tapping that night or even worse, getting “the silent treatment” if that's her thing.

Don’t - be a sore loser when the results go HER way.  This is the hard part because what you have to  Do - is allow her to celebrate as long as she pleases.  The important thing here at that moment gentlemen is to act the opposite of what you are feeling.  Don’t - show anger, be calm, show grace in defeat.  If you fail to act accordingly, the tables will turn on you because one thing a woman hates is a fucking grown ass crybaby.  I don't know if this is true or not, It’s what a friend told me.

So there you have it folks, my awesome mini guide to survive March Madness: Couples Edition.  I just made Couples Edition up as I type this because I realised the heading above is too vague and I can't be bothered changing it.  Madness!

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